She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
