Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
3 2 1 whiskey
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
