Sorry, I don't speak sober.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
