Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
