I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
