just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
