Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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