Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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