Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Who died my cat blue again?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
