my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
