why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
