dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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