I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
