I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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