My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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