NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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