Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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