Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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