Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need to stop coming to work sober
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
