the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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