Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
