"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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