so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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