I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
