He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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