We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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