my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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