I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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