i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
