I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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