i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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