fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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