im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
