I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
