I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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