Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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