just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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