Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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