I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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