Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
