Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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