I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
