he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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