drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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