Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
