Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
