I got chris browned last night
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.