Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.