well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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