A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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