i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
