I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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