I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
