Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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