Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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