The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
