I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
