I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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