Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
