Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
