I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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