you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
