Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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