I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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