ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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