i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
